Film – Low Upside

Who’s Recording the Theme Song for Bond 25?

With the date of the next installment of the James Bond franchise already set for a November 2019 release, speculation of all things related to the upcoming film has now begun. Daniel Craig is officially reprising his role as the titular character and the new film dubbed Bond 25 is bound to be a big one. For such an important milestone as the 25th film in the Bond franchise, an impactful and potentially popular song should be in the works. Though there is no proven evidence of any artist being signed on to helm the Bond 25 theme song yet, here are some thoughts to whom they might choose (in no particular order).

Radiohead

Radiohead was already given an opportunity to make the Bond theme for the last entry in the franchise, Spectre. Though their track wasn’t ultimately selected for being too dark, the work is an incredibly haunting song that is cued into their current sound. Since the release of the scrapped track, we have received the critically-acclaimed album A Moon Shaped Pool in 2016 that proves they still belong in the modern music zeitgeist. Also Radiohead guitarist Jonny Greenwood is a proven composer, having scored There Will Be Blood, The Master, and Inherent Vice. Last year he even earned an Oscar nomination for his work in Phantom Thread. Some of the finest moments in the first season of HBO’s Westworld were punctuated by Radiohead’s music and the show continues to use their tracks in the second season. Right now Radiohead is in an even better place, both creatively and in popularity, to lay down the music for Bond 25.

Arctic Monkeys

For the last two entries in the series, the Bond people (I have no clue who they are) have looked to artists in the UK to make the song. Which brings us to Alex Turner and Arctic Monkeys. The latest album from the group shows their ability to make eerie, beautiful piano driven rock tracks that would piece together perfectly with the Bond title credits. Look at tracks “American Sports” or “Golden Trunks” and tell me you can’t see Daniel Craig slow motion falling through a dark psychedelic dreamscape. If you tell me you can’t I will personally cut either song to the title sequence of Spectre just for you. I shouldn’t fail to mention that Turner also wrote six original tracks for the 2011 film Submarine, proving his ability to write songs that work well cinematically.

Adele

“Skyfall” was incredible. Adele is incredible. Adele’s last album was incredible. Though the franchise hasn’t had a repeat artist for the Bond theme since Shirley Bassey, it goes without saying that Adele is the biggest and probably most like-able artist in the world. Whatever she puts her voice on turns to gold. If they can convince her with a big bag of cash, I’m sure she would bring the exact kind of presence needed for Bond’s milestone to be thrust in the limelight. It’s hard to argue with the 315 million views that “Skyfall” has on Youtube.

Car Seat Headrest

Yeah. This one is a little bizarre. I’m sure 99% of you are saying, who the hell is Car Seat Headrest? The band is the indie rock project of Will Toledo, whose last two albums Teens of Denial and Twin Fantasy have pushed his band into the edges of the mainstream. Daniel Craig is apparently a huge fan of the group and even took his fellow cast members of the film Logan Lucky to see them live. Craig is known to have influenced both Adele and Radiohead to make themes for previous Bond’s, so he might be interested seeing what Car Seat Headrest could offer. The last real rock themes were Chris Cornell’s for Casino Royale and Jack White’s for Quantum of Solace, but a return to a harder sound could be key in setting up the mood for Bond 25. A song like “Sober to Death” could reach a sound suitable for the film if it just had an orchestra in the back. Maybe it’s time for an indie rocker to take the helm.

Ed Sheeran

Apparently the guy already has a theme penned incase he is picked. Obviously he’s no amateur and one of the biggest artists in the UK. I don’t have many thoughts on this one but he did do a fantastic song for The Hobbit.

Beyonce

I mean c’mon. It’s Beyonce. It’s crazy that the only artist whose status rivals Adele’s, hasn’t recorded a Bond theme. Right now Beyonce is undoubtedly larger than ever. After her incredible performance at the Grammy’s in 2017 and this year’s Coachella, it would be fitting to pick her now. With a versatile voice that can fit over any style of music, it would be beneficial for the franchise to get her to boost the popularity of the next film.

Dua Lipa

Okay so this one is weird. For some reason, British bookies have her at 4-to-5 odds to do the theme. After some thought, the odds make sense. She’s a huge star right now with her two EDM-laced hits, “New Rules” and “One Kiss.” She’s also British, which gives her a little boost in appealing to the UK audience. Looking at her album, which is mainly synth-pop, she comes across as a strong singer with a unique voice. Her cover of “I Would Rather Go Blind” shows off her ability to slow things down and work emotion. Though she might not be exactly what people expect, a well written song with her on it could skyrocket into the Top Ten on both US and UK charts.

Paloma Faith

I admittedly know nothing about this artist. But she has been asked in interviews multiple times about recording a Bond theme. So I had to learn about her following the speculation. Paloma Faith has never made waves in the US, but in the UK, her latest album took the number one spot from Taylor Swift’s Reputation. After a bit of research, she has a voice that is reminiscent of the former Bond themes sang by women in the ’60s and ’70s. Her cover of INXS’ “Never Tear Us Apart” literally sounds like an audition for the job.

Obviously there are many artists both inside and outside the mainstream that would be suited to recording the Bond theme. Like whatever happened to Ellie Goulding? She would’ve been a great pick in the early 2010’s. No matter who makes the theme for Bond 25, hopefully it’s on par with the last few films’ and celebrates the franchise in this historic milestone.

WTF Is Going On With Avatar?

Do you remember the movie Avatar? The science fiction mega hit centered on the exotic alien world of Pandora? Staring Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, and Sigourney Weaver? Yes, I do too. We all do. That’s because, to this day, it remains the highest grossing film of all time, earning $2,787,965,087. Months after the film was released, 20th Century Fox as well as director, writer, producer, and co-editior James Cameron announced two sequels were confirmed, with a fourth and fifth film coming later as well.

Avatar was released in 2009.

It is now 2018.

What is happening.

In nine years, have you read or heard anything regarding these sequels? There have been no trailers, no teasers, nothing. Nothing for nine years! Are they even filming? Was there a setback? Are they even still happening? Should I even care anymore? The most successful film of all time has essentially disappeared.

Nine years is a long time to care about something. In 2009, “Boom Boom Pow” by The Black Eyed Peas was #1 on Billboard’s Top 100, Cali Swag District had bestowed upon us the infamous Dougie with their hit single “Teach Me How To Dougie,” and Tiger Woods was a faithful husband… well, for most of 2009. My point is, The Black Eyed Peas, Cali Swag District, and Tiger Woods’ marital status are irrelevant now. Avatar, despite its mixed critical reviews, was a groundbreaking film, featuring never before seen motion capture technology and a shockingly elaborate and captivating world Cameron let us discover. Although people tarnished the films originality from a narrative perspective, labeling the story as Pocahontas 2.0, the film undeniably made a connection with its audience. So why has it been nine years?! Why are they allowing this franchise to become irrelevant? Why does this make me so angry?

I looked in to this to give the public what they deserve. Here is what I have learned is going on in Pandora as of 2018:

Yes, the second and third films are still in production. They began filming in September 2017 and are scheduled to release in December 2020, and December 2021, respectively. That’s right, 11 YEARS in between the most successful movie ever made and its sequel. James Cameron is notoriously slow at developing projects (he first had the idea for Avatar in 1994), but considering he already made the first one, you’d think producing a second in 11 years is feasible.
The fourth and fifth films are scheduled to begin filming as soon as the second and third are finished, and are set to release in 2024, and 2025, respectively. However, Cameron told Vanity Fair in a 2017 interview, “Let’s face it, if Avatar 2 and 3 don’t make enough money, there’s not going to be a 4 and 5.” So there’s that.

Alright, just so we’re all on the same page here: Avatar (2009), Avatar 2 (2020), Avatar 3 (2021), Avatar 4 (2024), and Avatar 5 (2025). One movie in 11 years and the next four in five years. Makes sense.

James Cameron is in fact, directing, producing, and writing all four sequels. The original cast is set to reprise their roles, however Sigourney Weaver will be playing a new character. New additions to the cast include Cliff Curtis and Kate Winslet, although which characters they will portray remains unknown.

Also, I’m oddly accepting of the fact that the humans named the precious mineral of Pandora unobtanium. At first, it sounded impressively unoriginal, but I then I decided to peruse the Periodic Table to see how many elements have stupid sounding names, and here are a just a few (of many) I found.

Americium – Named after Amerigo Vespucci
Livermorium – Named after some dude named Rob Livermore
Californium – This element is just a shaka sign
Berkelium – Somehow this isn’t weed

If these can exist, I have no qualms with an unobtainable mineral from a distant planet possessing the name unobtanium.

So, will we ever see what happened to Jake after he permanently transferred to his Na’vi avatar and left Earth behind? Will human beings ever return to Pandora? At this point, we may as well call the Avatar sequels unobtanium.

This Can’t Be Good: The Asylum

When you click on a column called “This Can’t Be Good” you know what you’re going to get. There are things I don’t like, and there are reasons I don’t like them. Also, in addition to legitimate criticism, I’m going to mock these terrible things to the point that it might actually seem mean.

But I’ve never explained why. I’ve never explained HOW. See, over the collective runtime of hundreds upon hundreds of films, I honed my ability to hate. It became practiced. It became an expertly wielded dagger point forged in the flames of stale acting and sub-standard cinematography. And these flowery as hell sentences prove it.

See, you don’t turn a weapon like that on an easy target. It’s not to be used chopping up low-hanging fruit. I’ve watched worse movies that the ones I’ve written about for this column. Way worse. Some real stinkers. I’m talking movies that don’t even belong in the same category with real movies. Movies that break the scale, specifically the bottom of it. We’re talking about a scale that tops out at maaaaaaybe 3.5. Maybe. If I’m feeling generous.

However, I would be remiss if I went any longer without mentioning these movies at all. And when I decided to do that, I discovered the existence of a particular movie studio responsible for some of the worst crimes against good cinematic taste: The Asylum.

If you knew the name before right now, you were already in too deep. You’d already unlocked this dark world and there’s nothing I can do to save you from it. For everyone else, let me give you a small sampling of their catalog, in the form of the list of films I watched for this piece.

Sharknado

Sharknado 2: The Second One

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Sharknado: The 4th Awakens

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

Atlantic Rim

Oceans Rising

Little Dead Rotting Hood

Zoombies

Independents’ Day

So you see what we’re working with here, right? Nothing. Literally nothing of any value. The river trash of the cinematic form. And even saying “cinematic form” is using the loosest definition. The Sharknado franchise is barely more than a series of 90-minute long advertisements for Comcast Xfinity and against plastic surgery. These are films in only the most technical of definitions.

It’s easy to look at these films and say that The Asylum knows what they are. To say that their low-budget B-movie catalog, rife with parody titles, is a big joke that everyone at the company is in on. But I doubt if that’s true. Even if it is somehow a huge joke, one that I haven’t gotten over the course of nine movies, that’s not an excuse. It’s a bad joke. It’s the film equivalent of a dude screaming “it’s just a prank bro!” after he spits on a homeless guy. Maybe it’s that all these people don’t care what people think because they’re getting paid, but I can’t believe that’s true either. Literally everyone cares what people think. Human self-esteem is weird like that. I hope you like this article and I hope you like me. Please like me.

These movies are a physical, visceral level of bad that you can’t get from standard theater fare. We’re talking about eye-rolling, head-in-hands, throwing-your-phone-at-the-screen levels of cringeworthy. At several points during this movie marathon I had to just give up and pause the movie so I could bang my head on my desk a few times in utter disappointment. That’s not something that should happen during a movie. You should not feel that sort of abject horror during something that was designed to be fun. That’s a huge no-no, in my book. I don’t like spiraling into despondency mid-scene because I’ve just seen the lowest depths of human imagination. It’s not fun.

I mean, look. Maybe I’m taking this all too seriously. I might be just the dumb guy who needs the joke explained and then it’s not funny anymore. I acknowledge that possibility. But what part of the joke is it where they tell all the actors to forget how to act? That might be the punchline. And then the set-up is that the writers didn’t bother to do even a single edit of their terrible plotlines and worse dialogue. (A recurring tactic for stopping sharknados is to add more isotopes. That literally means nothing.) Oooh, and the tag is that the graphics department decided to just fuck shit up with clip art explosions and the ugliest computer generated creatures the world should have never seen. Yes, that’s it. Ah, humor. I love it.

The Asylum is a movie studio that seeks to answer the question, “how much money can we make if no one tries?” I don’t know what the answer is, but according to the Wikipedia page that I used to do all the outside research for this article, they’ve never lost money on a production. At first glance that seems crazy, especially if you’ve read any of the rest of this article, but Wikipedia also says that their movies usually have a budget of under a million dollars. When you look at that figure, you see how they always make money, and why it seems like every scene in all of their films reads like they used the first take. Their dialogue sounds like someone played Mad Libs with a chemistry textbook and assumed every word with more than two syllables meant something scientific. Every prop they use either came from a Home Depot or a Spirit Halloween store. The main antagonist in Zoombies is a medium-sized man in a bad gorilla costume. At one point in Sharknado 3 (maybe Sharknado 4, I don’t care enough to remember), they use football shoulder pads as an astronaut space suit. You’re asking yourself, “Why do they even need a spacesuit in any of those movies?” I can only assume it’s part of a concerted effort by The Asylum to melt my brain and prevent this article from being released. It almost worked. I am significantly dumber for having watched all these movies, but I soldier on.

I don’t think I can stop these movies from being made. The Asylum has been doing this for going on 20 years now, and they show no sign of slowing down. All I can do is teach the public the warning signs: If a movie starts with “The Asylum Presents” turn it off and do something better for your brain, like huffing paint.

This Can’t Be Good: Cube Zero

There’s a 95% chance your Netflix recommendations aren’t as screwed up as mine are. I’ll watch anything and I rate nothing. So Netflix’s algorithm, poor thing, has no idea what I like and what I hate.

It hasn’t figured out that I think the Cube franchise is awful.

With no indications that my viewings of Cube and Cube 2: Hypercube were exercises in self-hate and masochism, Netflix gleefully recommended the prequel, Cube Zero. And because my life has no meaning outside the consumption of media, I watched it.

Cube Zero is an almost entirely futile attempt to add to the story of the CCU (Cube Cinematic Universe). Most prequels take details from other films in the series and sort of…reverse engineer them into a new story that expands upon the unexplained while linking “past” to “present”. Cube Zero gathers these details into a pile and lights them on fire. It’s like if Monsters University made Sully red and gave Mike two eyes or The Godfather Part II made everyone French.

One of the reasons this article is about Cube Zero and not one of the other movies is that the prequel film almost works if you watch it first despite it being released last. It still doesn’t work, thanks to average-at-best acting, weird editing decisions, and a whole lot of details that build to nothing (not even the rest of the Cube Cinematic universe).

The other reason that maybe if you know that the Cube Cinematic Universe never improves you won’t be compelled to watch every movie in the series. Learn from my mistakes. Save yourself.

The Low Upside Group Text – The Fifty Shades Franchise

This is a comprehensive actual text conversation that occurred between Craig and Jared as they journeyed through the sexual voyage of the 50 Shades of Grey franchise.

Please click this link and play Elle Goulding’s “Love Me Like You Do” while reading this text chain to effectively capture that mood we felt while watching these movies.

Movie #1: 50 Shades of Grey

Jared: I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard. Cause I’m 50 shades of fucked up.

Craig: The only sexual attraction I felt in this movie is towards that delicious cosmo my girl Ana was slamming in Savannah.

Jared: I need to know how much Rita Ora got paid for playing the sister for an entire 12 seconds and three lines of dialogue.

Craig: Big ups to the city of Seattle for securing a crappy pseudo sex porn movie franchise before an NBA team.

Jared: That’s how I know this movie was fictional. Because if there was actually someone as rich and affluent as Christian Grey in Seattle, not only would they have the Sonics back but they would have an NHL team as well.

Wow imagine the team moving down the ice. The Seattle Greys. The first team to play hockey exclusively in leather outfits

Craig: The way Christian Grey’s character is set up, he may as well be the starting point guard on the Seattle Greys NBA team. At the impressive age of just 27 he is a BILLionaire who plays the piano and has his helicopter license–a remarkable accomplishment considering from the age of 15 to 21 he was enslaved as a sex servant to his aunt.

Jared: Can we briefly mention that there’s an entirely unexplained romance between the roommate and Christian greys brother.

Like is that supposed to be relevant.

Or is there going to be a side story all about how Christian greys brother is a Sub looking for a woman to be his Dom and he convinces her roommate to become a dominatrix and she just demolished brother grey for pleasure.

Craig: I would so watch the spinoff series Brother Grey. Imagine all of the steamy drama we get about a man constantly living in the shadow of his still inexplicably successful brother, leading him to search for a dominatrix whose expectations he can finally live up to. He still can’t get over the fact that his aunt didn’t choose him to be her sex slave.

Jared: You keep saying aunt but I’m certain that he said it was his mother’s friend. Which makes me think you may be projecting.

Craig: I mean sure my brother is more successful than me and happens to be the same age as Christian Grey and also lives in the Pacific Northwest and OKAY I WAS PROJECTING A LITTLE. But all my moms friends are very respectful ladies. That, I can assure you… hi Linda.

I just can’t wait for there to be a plot in the sequel. We deserve one.

Jared: I think we are assuming there will be a plot but once we actually watch it’s just Christian telling Ana to sign the contract for two hours, her saying no, him smacking her in the butt with the little whip stick as punishment, her asking for him to share a bed with her as a reward for being a good Sub, then repeat.

Movie #2: Fifty Shades Darker

Jared: So to discuss the second movie a bit, why the fuck did Rita Ora show up with different hair and in a mask at the party cause I had no fucking clue that was her?

Craig: Why is every actor in this movie a complete and utter unknown except Rita Ora.

Jared: Remember how I mentioned the most unbelievable part of the first movie was that Ana managed to find a spot right in front of the Grey Building? The actual most unbelievable part is that Jamie Dornan was able to turn a 9 episode arc on Once Upon A Time into a lead role in an erotic romance trilogy with a FAT budget.

Craig: If this trilogy doesn’t end with crazy boss Jack having wild hate sex with crazy old lady Elena I’m out.

Jared: Honestly put Jack in the psych ward with the crazy girl cause they are perfect for each other. Christian Grey is now billionaire playboy matchmaker.

Craig: It’s a shame this movie didn’t start having interesting things happen until the 90 minute mark, we could have had like 3 more helicopter crashes.

Jared: Okay seriously what’s the deal with the helicopter crash. It wasn’t important whatsoever. It didn’t push the film forward. If anything it made me question why I’m wasting over 6 hours watching this franchise with you.

Craig: They didn’t even tease it with a minute or so of smooth helicopter flying and some casual business talk with his coworker. It pretty much cut to a helicopter crash like you were flipping through channels and landed on a juicy part of the 6 o’clock news.

Jared: Then he inexplicably cuts his way through the Oregon-Washington forest and manages to get home within hours of the news of his disappearance? Also his coworker was fine. Not that anyone was worried about her

Craig: Christian and his coworker lady surviving and getting discovered in the forest is the most interesting part of the first two movies and we didn’t see a second of it. Instead we watched Christian’s step mom serve tea and watch the local news.

Jared: And we watched that ugly old woman get irrationally angry that the man she raped for 6 years got engaged and is attempting to live a mildly normal life despite the fucked upbringing.

Craig: It’s pretty crazy that we literally haven’t mentioned the main character of this franchise once since we have been discussing the sequel.

Jared: Bruh I forgot her name anyway.

Movie #3: Fifty Shades Freed

Jared: Remember that part when Christian Grey inexplicably starts singing “Maybe I’m Amazed” and it’s supposed to be this revelatory moment for his family?

I wish I didn’t remember. It didn’t make the movie any worse it just made the franchise more bizarre.

Craig: I feel Freed that it’s finally over. My biggest regret is that I didn’t watch the entire trilogy in a crisp pair of jeans like our boy Christian.

Jared: My biggest regret in life is not owning a crisp pair of jeans purely for sexual purposes

Craig: Is it called 50 Shades Freed because we are finally free of this hollow sexual melodrama or because Christian has finally freed his passion for lounge singing

Jared: Just to continue our conversation about how much more interesting his brother is, in this one we had the wonderful storyline where maybe he was smashing the architect with the fake boobs but she was actually just helping him pick a ring to PROPOSE TO ANA’S FORMER ROOMMATE.

I wanna see how the fuck those characters even ended up that deeply in love in just a little longer than the short time it took Christian to lock down Ana.

Craig: If there were ever a prequel (50 Shades Dawned??), rather than watch him get dominated by his mom’s friend, I’d like to specifically focus on Christian Grey’s rise in the business marketing (I think?) world in the Pacific Northwest as well as his learning of the piano and receiving his helicopter pilots license. This man has exhibited Warren Buffett-like levels of progression as a business man.

Jared: I am entirely convinced he actually is an idiot savant. I believe he got a shit load of cash from his adopted parents, bought a crap-ton of companies in various industries and dubbed them all subsidiaries of Grey Enterprises. Somehow some of them were insanely profitable so he just rinsed and repeated until he was a billionaire.

Craig: I feel like the author of these books, E.L. James, did the same thing, she wrote a bunch of hyper-sexual “love stories” and threw them at a wall hoping one stuck. And what do you know, America loves a late 20-something man with a passion for jeans dominating a woman with the personality of Lauren B from the Bachelor.

ALSO, when I said everyone in this film is an unknown besides Rita Ora, I am completely aware that Oscar WINNER Kim Basinger portrayed the complex Elena Lincoln AKA Christian’s sexual master. Either she lowered her acting abilities to the competition around her out of respect or she is trying a new drug I am unaware of. Can an Oscar be taken away? Can her new boyfriend in the inevitable spinoff series be a fellow Hollywood one hit wonder? I pick Ralph Macchio.

Jared: Lets be real about ol’ Kim here. Few actors who PEAK at winning an Oscar go on to do more roles that are of that level again. What has Brie Larson done in the last 2 years? Where is Adrien Brody? Shit even Cuba has an Oscar and that dude starred in Disney’s SNOW DOGS. I’ll forgive Kim Basinger, but I’ll never forgive a dude that needs to be shirtless in his favorite pair of blue jeans just to reach a satisfying orgasm.

Craig: Unlike 50 Shades Freed, this feels like a satisfying way to conclude our first group text chain.