MLB 2019 Season Preview

After an offseason that has felt longer than any one of Odubel Herrera’s 2,154 career at bats, the 2019 MLB campaign is FINALLY upon us. In what shapes up to be another exciting year of bat flips and brushbacks, baseball fans everywhere should be stoked on a season that actually may have some parity, and if we are lucky one that doesn’t result with the Dodgers in the World Series.

Our 6-Division preview won’t help you predict who will have the best WAR or tell you which American League shortstop had the most stolen bases on 1-2 counts in 2018 (jk it will because it was Jean Segura so tell that to your douchey baseball friend who’s a “die-hard” cubs fan because his uncle had a layover at o’hare one time in ‘03 and felt sorry for the fans cause the man with the head radio caught the ball), but it will help get you all fired up for another year of America’s Pastime ©.

*Sidenote, I HATE reading any of the dumbass Bleacher Report/ESPN/MLB articles that I am poorly replicating because they ALWAYS start in the AL East and then move west. And then they go back to the NL East and do the same shit. Fuck that. The AL East is dumb. They’ve had their glory at the bottom of the introduction paragraph for far too long. I’m writing about them last when I am the most TIRED and INARTICULATE.


The landscape of the NL West within the last decade has been shaped by  LA dominance, San Francisco’s #Believen dynasty, and the Rockies and D-Backs coming oh-so-close after solid regular season runs. And also the Padres being a team. As much as I want to say that the West is actually up for grabs, only half of the division has actually improved enough to give LA a run for their money. The Rockies’ loss of D.J LeMahieu was quickly remedied by the signing of solid utilityman Daniel Murphy, and the Padres’ BOLD move to sign Manny Machado and inject 50cc of straight cash into their number 1 ranked farm system, made them just a little bit more interesting. With that being said, I believe the Rox largely untouched roster from their 2018 Wild Card run is enough to knock a temporarily Kershaw-less Doyers squad off of the top.

First Place: Colorado

Last Place: Arizona

Hot Take You Can Uncomfortably Make to Your Friends: The Padres will finish the season over .500 for the first time since 2010, earning them an opportunity to lose a Wild Card game to like the Mets or something.


In what has arguably been the most competitive division in the National League for years, the usual 3-team race is really blown open this season with the Reds’ offseason acquisitions of Yasiel Puig and Sonny Gray, and the Brewers’ catapult into the MLB’s elite. All but Cincinnati finished with winning records last season, and this year they could finally squeak out enough W’s to join the .500 club. Reigning MVP Christian Yelich will lead a more experienced and upgraded Brewers team back into the playoffs, and look for more than just a taste of postseason glory. However, don’t be surprised to find Paul Goldschmidt and his new Cardinals group breathing down their necks heavier than Bartolo eating ribs.

First Place: Milwaukee

Last Place: Pittsburgh

Hot Take You Can Uncomfortably Make to Your Friends: The Cubs will miss out on the Playoffs entirely, freaking them out enough to shop around and trade third baseman Kris Bryant in the following offseason.


“damn yo, the phillys for sure winnin the division cuz they got Harper lol!” That’s something your DUMB coworker who didn’t read this article would say. Yes, all eyes will be on the Phillies to use the team they supplemented with their “stupid money”, to come out on top of a lowly National League East. Despite the huge additions of J.T Realmuto and that Bryce guy, the biggest key for the Phils is going to be the production from Rhys Hoskins in the middle of a now very comfy lineup. But even after their huge offseason, the one thing people seem to be forgetting is that there is another team they have to play 16+ times, and that’s the fuckin’ BRAVES. With what could be the sickest infield in the league now that Donaldson is in the mix, Atlanta is not going to be quick to roll over.

First Place: Atlanta

Last Place: Miami

Hot Take You Can Uncomfortably Make to Your Friends: The Nationals will still finish ahead of the Phillies, and Bryce Harper will never get a hit again and seek out a voodoo witch to put a spell on his bat and bring him back into his MVP status but with the price of always having the feeling that he has to sneeze but he never can actually sneeze. Or maybe just the first part.


A division fairly similar to its NL counterpart, the AL West has really only been dominated by 2 teams in the last few years. The ‘stros should be able to cruise to another division title, but what myself and most other baseball fans will be watching for is whether or not the Angels are finally gonna figure their shit out so we can see Trout in October. The Angels have been a head-scratcher for the last few seasons, because their lineup isn’t shitty by any means, and it’s crazy to think that they’re still in a 3-team race for 2nd place with Oakland and Seattle. I’d love to see another sick run for the A’s, but I think the strength in the rest of the league will edge them out of a wild card spot. Until Oakland decides to pull the trigger on some actual free agents, and Anaheim (I almost hate the “Los Angeles Angels of” name more than the AL EAST) can find some mojo, the west is all Houston.

First Place: Houston

Last Place: Texas

Hot Take You Can Uncomfortably Make to Your Friends: The Mariners will finish with less than 70 wins for the first time since 2011, but will make a 2012-2013 Red Sox-like turnaround and find themselves in contention next season.


With probably the most drastic decline out of any division in the MLB, the AL Central is one I’ll easily admit that I don’t know much about. Of course Cleveland has found their way into the last 3 postseasons, but outside of the Tribe nobody has really made any noise. I would LOVE for Minnesota to have a strong finish and make the playoffs a-la the 2018 Brewers, but they still are a few pieces away from knocking off a consistent Cleveland squad. Outside of the Twinkies, I don’t see anybody except for the White Sox to really create much of a threat, and it will be a dismal year for AL Central fans. And even though I just shit on the entire division, I do believe the tides are changing and the young talent stowed in the farms will bring the Central back to glory in the coming years.

First Place: Cleveland

Last Place: Detroit

Hot Take You Can Uncomfortably Make to Your Friends: Damn I really have nothing here. Maybe like the Indians and the Browns will both make the playoffs for the first time since 1954 (that stat seems insane but i like triple checked it please contact if you don’t believe it because i can’t either)


Dammit that came up way too quickly. In all seriousness, the best division in baseball isn’t changing in 2019, and if anything it only continues to get better. The East should look pretty much the same as it did last year, but it will be exciting to see if the Vlad Jr. led Blue Jays or dangerous Rays (literally and figuratively) can put some pressure on the two-headed New York/Boston beast. I can’t imagine the Orioles will be equally as shitty (although I won’t hold my breath), so it will be fun to see this division get back into its must-see state. And oh will we see it, 13 times thanks to you ESPN. It won’t be as easy as they’d like, but Boston is just too good to let go of the top spot, and they’ll be nervous to find 2 other AL East opponents battling for a World Series spot in October.

First Place: Boston

Last Place: Baltimore

Hot Take You Can Uncomfortably Make to Your Friends: The Yankees will have another rematch coming from the Wild Card slot, but this time they will knock off their Masshole foes and end up in the Fall Classic ©.

So completely copy, argue, or just shit on these takes as you will, but let them help refresh you for the beginning of the 162 game marathon. Also, keep it handy so you can use it against me when the Mets face off against the Tigers in the World Series and Chris Iannetta smacks 56 bombs to win the MVP.

Happy new year.

2018 Olympic Hockey Tournament Preview: Why You Should Give a Shit

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It’s almost that time of year white people love, and no I’m not talking about literally any music festival in Indio, California. The 2018 Winter Olympics are right around the corner, and even if you’re a slightly-more-than-casual sports fan, I’m sure you’ve heard little to nothing about this year’s games.

The most exciting event of the Olympics for a sports fan (besides the big ass downhill ski jump), is by far the ice hockey tournament. Even though NHL commissioner Gary Bettman took it upon himself to ban his players from participating in this year’s games so that his owner friends don’t lose any big paychecks, there is still a fair amount to be excited for. So strap in and get ready for a cool Buzzfeed-style numbered list where I’ll stretch two solid points into five below average ideas.



It’s been a long time coming, but hockey is on the precipice of becoming a sport that might actually get more than two minutes of airtime on a 60 minute Sportscenter show. NFL ratings are down, the NBA is the Warriors, and Major League Baseball is in a tough limbo between maintaining a geriatric traditionalist audience and attracting a bat flipping crowd of @youth. Hockey has everything for everyone; the world’s best athletes, tons of history, exciting young superstars, physical altercations, and an overall inclusive atmosphere. Hockey has been embraced by tons of subcultures for years, but now more than ever it’s ready to make the jump into the mainstream spotlight. Commissioner Bettman really shit the bed by not allowing NHL’ers to play in Korea during the one time that the world view is actually on his sport, but it will still be exciting because of players like…

2. Jordan Greenway, Chris Kelly, Rasmus Dahlin

If you scour each nation’s Olympic rosters looking for sick players like I just had to do, you’d be lucky to make three full lines. Despite each nation’s representatives being made up of washed up vets, players recovering from injury, and college kids who were just good enough to crack that prestigious group, there are actually some real beauties who could blow up in this year’s tournament.

46cf5014e3f5e37a481a1e7330328bd8.jpgGreenway: For the Americans, the best storyline is by far Jordan Greenway becoming the first Black player to wear the USA sweater in the Olympics, and pacing the point leaderboard in the process. Currently playing at Boston University, Greenway was one of my favorite players to watch in last year’s World Junior Championships, where he helped bring home a gold medal by notching eight points and inflicting physical terror on the ice at 6’5”/222. His international resumé, although at the junior level (under age 21), should make him a household name for American fans in the coming years, if it isn’t already.

Kelly: One of the few players in the tournament with a Stanley Cup ring, Chris Kelly leads a list of recognizable Canadian veterans who will wear the maple leaf in February. Kelly has spent most of this season bouncing around the minor leagues, and is one of a surprisingly small number of AHL players who backdoored their ways onto Olympic rosters by not “technically”  being in the NHL. The Canadians (with an “a”) are fortunate to have a handful of players, who, like Kelly, have many years of NHL experience (Derek Roy, Rene Bourque, Mason Raymond to name a few), so I wouldn’t be surprised to see anyone from the 30 and over club revitalize their careers on Canada’s quest for gold.

Dahlin: The Swedes will be looking to bounce back from their 2014 silver medal finish, and return home with prizes that better compliment their beautiful blonde hair. Sweden’s developmental hockey program is extremely deep, and 17-year-old (yeah, the kid was straight up born in 2000) Rasmus Dahlin highlights the Scandinavian youth movement. Projected by many hockey minds to go #1 overall in the upcoming NHL draft, Dahlin introduced himself to the world with his absolutely NASTY hands in the recent World Junior Championship.


This uncharacteristically selfless millennial stayed busy in the WJC by dishing out six assists, so as long as his linemates keep their sticks open, Sweden has a good chance to finish on top.

BONUS – Pavel Datsyuk: This is someone who should require absolutely no introduction, but if for some reason you are completely unaware he is Russian and is simply known as “The Magic Man.”

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3. Parity


The word that makes all sportscasters get a half-chub. For the first time since ‘98, the best players in the world won’t be playing in the Olympics, and one of the actual benefits is flattening the playing field. Sure, some countries have better talent than others, but it’s tough to make piping-hot takes when the teams are this unpredictable. South Korea could go undefeated, the Swiss could score 7,000 goals, or we could see a rare mid-tournament doping disqualification from the OLYMPIC ATHLETES FROM RUSSIA ©. The uncertainty in this year’s competition may be exactly what struggling programs like the US need, since the last time they saw gold was when the cosmic powers of soft, silky flow led a ragtag group of college boys to victory over the CCCP © in 1980.

4. Women’s Hockey Will Finally Get The Attention it Deserves

Listen, people are going to have plenty of dumbass takes about women’s sports, and pretty much all of them root from, “I’m a big man, I watch dudes play guy sports, PUSSY.” You don’t need to be a genius to understand that the men’s game is a lot faster, more physical, and much more popular, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit here and listen to some beer league hero tell me that he’s got a better snap-shot than Amanda Kessel.


As far as the country we are concerned with (sorry international readers), the American women will be HUNGRY to avenge their 2014 gold medal overtime loss to Canada, and have been getting in tune nicely, racking up three consecutive World Championship golds since the Sochi games. The one sizzling take I can comfortably make about the Olympics is that the US women will ABSOLUTELY go farther than the men, and you would be an ABSOLUTE moron not to watch.

5. Is South Korea All In On Hockey Now?


One of the off-ice aspects of these games I’m incredibly interested in seeing, is how Korean fans and Eastern Asia in general receives the sport of hockey on this big of a level. Upon being awarded these games, South Korea really kicked the gears on beefing up their ice hockey program, and have drawn a handful of North Americans to become citizens and bring in some skill and stability. What was most surprising to me was that the Koreans are actually ranked 21st in the IIHF (International Ice Hockey Federation) world rankings, which out of a total of 48 teams is right behind some of the smaller European nations you’re familiar with seeing on Winter Olympic podiums.

To end this list shitting on Bettman one last time, these Olympics are going to be a great benchmark in seeing how far hockey has come, and how big the footprint is continuing to grow. Not only that, but as far as “team” sports go, the Olympics mean much more to the hockey community than any other major sport. Soccer lives for the World Cup, Olympic basketball has been laughable since the Dream Team, and baseball is only just now starting to realize what they have in the World Baseball Classic (although the 2020 summer games in Tokyo will be LIT).

So it would’ve been a great fucking call to allow the world to see your precious players, and force owners to find other ways to stuff their pockets with more money, GARY.


Tune in to NBC at some ungodly time on February 10th for the Women’s tournament, and February 14th for the men’s.