This Can’t Be Good: Cube Zero

Photo: © Lions Gate

There’s a 95% chance your Netflix recommendations aren’t as screwed up as mine are. I’ll watch anything and I rate nothing. So Netflix’s algorithm, poor thing, has no idea what I like and what I hate.

It hasn’t figured out that I think the Cube franchise is awful.

With no indications that my viewings of Cube and Cube 2: Hypercube were exercises in self-hate and masochism, Netflix gleefully recommended the prequel, Cube Zero. And because my life has no meaning outside the consumption of media, I watched it.

Cube Zero is an almost entirely futile attempt to add to the story of the CCU (Cube Cinematic Universe). Most prequels take details from other films in the series and sort of…reverse engineer them into a new story that expands upon the unexplained while linking “past” to “present”. Cube Zero gathers these details into a pile and lights them on fire. It’s like if Monsters University made Sully red and gave Mike two eyes or The Godfather Part II made everyone French.

One of the reasons this article is about Cube Zero and not one of the other movies is that the prequel film almost works if you watch it first despite it being released last. It still doesn’t work, thanks to average-at-best acting, weird editing decisions, and a whole lot of details that build to nothing (not even the rest of the Cube Cinematic universe).

The other reason that maybe if you know that the Cube Cinematic Universe never improves you won’t be compelled to watch every movie in the series. Learn from my mistakes. Save yourself.

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