“I listened to this TED Talk”: How to be the Smartest Dumb Guy at Your Next Party

We live in a time when information is more obtainable than ever before. A time when undeserved recognition is just an Instagram bikini picture away. So why not use both of these convenient advancements in technology to your advantage at your next social gathering?

Throughout generations, great intelligence has been one of the most revered attributes of a person, from Einstein and Edison, to Gates and Musk. The only difference between these great minds and yourself is that they created and invented to advance society and bring change, while you will spew half-right information and lies to make others feel contempt. That is precisely why at your next ball or gala you will astonish fellow friends and acquaintances with your taste in all things outdated and hard to challenge. Here is an easy guide to follow in order to depart a party leaving people whispering, “Is he always like that?”, and by “that” I mean smart.

  1. Bring a brand of alcohol no one has ever heard of and insist that it’s the only thing you drink now, and that “there’s no way I could go back to the cheap stuff.” Then refuse to share it by hiding it in a cabinet when you’re not pouring yourself a glass.
  1. If you have traveled anywhere outside of the states, it is extremely important that you constantly express how it changed your life. You also need to go back soon.
  1. Always preface an interesting fact that you forced into someone else’s story with, “I listened to this TED talk…”

    Photo via YouTube

Example: “I listened to this Ted Talk and it said if you don’t get at least five hours of sleep a night you have a much higher risk of developing Alzheimer’s.”

  1. Bring up Alzheimer’s.
  1. Even if you didn’t see the movie someone brought up, say you saw “parts of it.” If they bring up any particular scene from the movie, you happened to miss that part.
  1. The music/artist you’re really in to must be at least 40 years older than the age group of your audience. The worse the music is, the more unique you are and the less they understand art. You also like their older stuff better.
  1. Infinite Jest is the best book ever because the author killed himself because he was too smart. Nothing smarter than liking a guy who was too smart to live. Nirvana is cool, too.
  1. Wear a nice analog watch on your drinking hand to get your wrist into other’s view as much as possible. NO DIGITAL CLOCKS! Change your Apple Watc
    Photo courtesy of Happy People Read and Drink Coffee by Agnes Martin-Lugand

    h to an analog face. Then when they ask for the time look at your watch, don’t say the time, hold it up at them, don’t say the time, let them struggle for a second, then say the time right before they are about to say it, making them look foolish.

  1. Your Instagram is only filled with pictures of cups of coffee sitting next to open books. You follow no one, everyone follows you.
  1. Lastly, highjack the AUX cord and sneakily play a song that should not be played at a party, like Father John Misty or Bon Iver, to firmly solidify your spot at the top of the party monarchy.

If you perform these simple steps correctly you will never be invited back to a party ever again, but that’s okay because you will still hear about it and show up uninvited. You will get older, gain more knowledge, and go to more parties. You just have to remember that you are better than every single person there. It is also important to remember that some of those people may not like you, but that’s also okay because not everyone likes Kanye, and you’re like Kanye.

  1. Tell people you’re like Kanye.


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