Film

The Low Upside Group Text – The Fifty Shades Franchise

This is a comprehensive actual text conversation that occurred between Craig and Jared as they journeyed through the sexual voyage of the 50 Shades of Grey franchise.

Please click this link and play Elle Goulding’s “Love Me Like You Do” while reading this text chain to effectively capture that mood we felt while watching these movies.

Movie #1: 50 Shades of Grey

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Jared: I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard. Cause I’m 50 shades of fucked up.

Craig: The only sexual attraction I felt in this movie is towards that delicious cosmo my girl Ana was slamming in Savannah.

Jared: I need to know how much Rita Ora got paid for playing the sister for an entire 12 seconds and three lines of dialogue.

Craig: Big ups to the city of Seattle for securing a crappy pseudo sex porn movie franchise before an NBA team.

Jared: That’s how I know this movie was fictional. Because if there was actually someone as rich and affluent as Christian Grey in Seattle, not only would they have the Sonics back but they would have an NHL team as well.

Wow imagine the team moving down the ice. The Seattle Greys. The first team to play hockey exclusively in leather outfits

Craig: The way Christian Grey’s character is set up, he may as well be the starting point guard on the Seattle Greys NBA team. At the impressive age of just 27 he is a BILLionaire who plays the piano and has his helicopter license–a remarkable accomplishment considering from the age of 15 to 21 he was enslaved as a sex servant to his aunt.

Jared: Can we briefly mention that there’s an entirely unexplained romance between the roommate and Christian greys brother.

Like is that supposed to be relevant.

Or is there going to be a side story all about how Christian greys brother is a Sub looking for a woman to be his Dom and he convinces her roommate to become a dominatrix and she just demolished brother grey for pleasure.

Craig: I would so watch the spinoff series Brother Grey. Imagine all of the steamy drama we get about a man constantly living in the shadow of his still inexplicably successful brother, leading him to search for a dominatrix whose expectations he can finally live up to. He still can’t get over the fact that his aunt didn’t choose him to be her sex slave.

Jared: You keep saying aunt but I’m certain that he said it was his mother’s friend. Which makes me think you may be projecting.

Craig: I mean sure my brother is more successful than me and happens to be the same age as Christian Grey and also lives in the Pacific Northwest and OKAY I WAS PROJECTING A LITTLE. But all my moms friends are very respectful ladies. That, I can assure you… hi Linda.

I just can’t wait for there to be a plot in the sequel. We deserve one.

Jared: I think we are assuming there will be a plot but once we actually watch it’s just Christian telling Ana to sign the contract for two hours, her saying no, him smacking her in the butt with the little whip stick as punishment, her asking for him to share a bed with her as a reward for being a good Sub, then repeat.

Movie #2: Fifty Shades Darker

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Jared: So to discuss the second movie a bit, why the fuck did Rita Ora show up with different hair and in a mask at the party cause I had no fucking clue that was her?

Craig: Why is every actor in this movie a complete and utter unknown except Rita Ora.

Jared: Remember how I mentioned the most unbelievable part of the first movie was that Ana managed to find a spot right in front of the Grey Building? The actual most unbelievable part is that Jamie Dornan was able to turn a 9 episode arc on Once Upon A Time into a lead role in an erotic romance trilogy with a FAT budget.

Craig: If this trilogy doesn’t end with crazy boss Jack having wild hate sex with crazy old lady Elena I’m out.

Jared: Honestly put Jack in the psych ward with the crazy girl cause they are perfect for each other. Christian Grey is now billionaire playboy matchmaker.

Craig: It’s a shame this movie didn’t start having interesting things happen until the 90 minute mark, we could have had like 3 more helicopter crashes.

Jared: Okay seriously what’s the deal with the helicopter crash. It wasn’t important whatsoever. It didn’t push the film forward. If anything it made me question why I’m wasting over 6 hours watching this franchise with you.

Craig: They didn’t even tease it with a minute or so of smooth helicopter flying and some casual business talk with his coworker. It pretty much cut to a helicopter crash like you were flipping through channels and landed on a juicy part of the 6 o’clock news.

Jared: Then he inexplicably cuts his way through the Oregon-Washington forest and manages to get home within hours of the news of his disappearance? Also his coworker was fine. Not that anyone was worried about her

Craig: Christian and his coworker lady surviving and getting discovered in the forest is the most interesting part of the first two movies and we didn’t see a second of it. Instead we watched Christian’s step mom serve tea and watch the local news.

Jared: And we watched that ugly old woman get irrationally angry that the man she raped for 6 years got engaged and is attempting to live a mildly normal life despite the fucked upbringing.

Craig: It’s pretty crazy that we literally haven’t mentioned the main character of this franchise once since we have been discussing the sequel.

Jared: Bruh I forgot her name anyway. 

Movie #3: Fifty Shades Freed

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Jared: Remember that part when Christian Grey inexplicably starts singing “Maybe I’m Amazed” and it’s supposed to be this revelatory moment for his family?

I wish I didn’t remember. It didn’t make the movie any worse it just made the franchise more bizarre.

Craig: I feel Freed that it’s finally over. My biggest regret is that I didn’t watch the entire trilogy in a crisp pair of jeans like our boy Christian.

Jared: My biggest regret in life is not owning a crisp pair of jeans purely for sexual purposes

Craig: Is it called 50 Shades Freed because we are finally free of this hollow sexual melodrama or because Christian has finally freed his passion for lounge singing

Jared: Just to continue our conversation about how much more interesting his brother is, in this one we had the wonderful storyline where maybe he was smashing the architect with the fake boobs but she was actually just helping him pick a ring to PROPOSE TO ANA’S FORMER ROOMMATE.

I wanna see how the fuck those characters even ended up that deeply in love in just a little longer than the short time it took Christian to lock down Ana.

Craig: If there were ever a prequel (50 Shades Dawned??), rather than watch him get dominated by his mom’s friend, I’d like to specifically focus on Christian Grey’s rise in the business marketing (I think?) world in the Pacific Northwest as well as his learning of the piano and receiving his helicopter pilots license. This man has exhibited Warren Buffett-like levels of progression as a business man.

Jared: am entirely convinced he actually is an idiot savant. I believe he got a shit load of cash from his adopted parents, bought a crap-ton of companies in various industries and dubbed them all subsidiaries of Grey Enterprises. Somehow some of them were insanely profitable so he just rinsed and repeated until he was a billionaire.

Craig: I feel like the author of these books, E.L. James, did the same thing, she wrote a bunch of hyper-sexual “love stories” and threw them at a wall hoping one stuck. And what do you know, America loves a late 20-something man with a passion for jeans dominating a woman with the personality of Lauren B from the Bachelor.

ALSO, when I said everyone in this film is an unknown besides Rita Ora, I am completely aware that Oscar WINNER Kim Basinger portrayed the complex Elena Lincoln AKA Christian’s sexual master. Either she lowered her acting abilities to the competition around her out of respect or she is trying a new drug I am unaware of. Can an Oscar be taken away? Can her new boyfriend in the inevitable spinoff series be a fellow Hollywood one hit wonder? I pick Ralph Macchio.

Jared: Lets be real about ol’ Kim here. Few actors who PEAK at winning an Oscar go on to do more roles that are of that level again. What has Brie Larson done in the last 2 years? Where is Adrien Brody? Shit even Cuba has an Oscar and that dude starred in Disney’s SNOW DOGS. I’ll forgive Kim Basinger, but I’ll never forgive a dude that needs to be shirtless in his favorite pair of blue jeans just to reach a satisfying orgasm.

Craig: Unlike 50 Shades Freed, this feels like a satisfying way to conclude our first group text chain.

One comment

  1. I have never seen the movies or read the books, but now feel appropriately scarred by them. This format is awesome. I would love to read more text conversations aboot (Canadian spelling) various topics.

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