It may be a little early on in my writing career to say this but…this is the single most important thing I have ever written.
It has been over 15 years since the greatest video game of all time, Super Smash Bros. Melee, was released. Since then, only one pastime has managed to challenge its title for the most time consuming, entertaining, and agonizing activity: Fantasy football. It is finally time to take these magnificent red and white wines and concoct a sparkling rosé.
Peach – DeAndre Hopkins
DeAndre’s QBs the past three seasons before DeShaun Watson arrived: Brock Osweiler, Tom Savage, Brian Hoyer, T.J. Yates, Ryan Mallett, Brandon Weeden.
Peach’s artillery of weapons while having to deal with the lasers, energy balls, swords, fire, and lightning bolts of other characters: radishes, a tennis racket, frying pan, golf club, her dress.
Peach and DeAndre have a knack for a making the best of a bad situation.
Donkey Kong – LeGarrette Blount
Player A: Perhaps the strongest in the game. Not the fastest, but inflicts damage in close combat. Excels in hand-to-hand combat, especially when facing Boise State. Is Player A Donkey Kong or LeGarrette? Okay the last bit gave it away. But come on, you had to think about it.
Fox – Le’Veon Bell – Although these two differ in physical structure, they are the masters of consistency, chipping away at you throughout the entire game. There’s no Roy smash or Samus energy ball that will KO your ass on the first drive, but come 4th quarter when you have one life left, you’re going to dread seeing this guy get the ball play after play.
Falco – Lamar Miller
The Kirkland versions of Fox and Le’Veon Bell, Falco and Miller have all of the perceived abilities to reach fantasy and Smash Bros stardom, but their performance is often underwhelming. Think of them as the Walmart to Fox and Le’Veon’s Target.
Dr. Mario, Mario, & Luigi – John Brown, Jaron Brown, & J.J. Nelson
Who’s better? I don’t fucking know, half the time I can hardly tell these guys apart on the field. All I know is every Sunday one of them hauls in some 38 yard touchdown that helps no one’s fantasy team.
Bowser – Javale McGee
I know, I KNOW, not an NFL player. But this was too perfect. No player/character makes me say, “Oh god, oh god, oh no, oh nice!” more than Bowser and Javale. It’s like watching a baby deer develop its sea legs.
While clearly gifted with strong finishing moves, these two are just too messy to rely on.
Yoshi – Doug Martin
There has always been something missing about these two. They both play hard, and impress you at times, but in the end they never quite get the job done. Whether it’s Yoshi’s lack of a finishing move/useless up B, or Doug Martin’s inability to stay on the field and reach that true muscle hamster potential, they just aren’t quite there.
Ganondorf – Rob Gronkowski
Have you ever played someone who is actually good with Ganondorf? It’s terrifying. Gronk is the most intimidating redzone target in the NFL, just as Ganondorf is the most terrifying redzone (when an opponent’s damage is above 100%) player to face in Smash Bros. His sneaky agility combined with his Hulk like power is unmatched in the game. However, like Gronk, he can sometimes disappear and has the potential to act as a massive decoy/hitting target should you be playing team battle with your bros. Double teams and characters with guns can stymie these behemoths, but in the right situation, they can thrive.
Captain Falcon – Travis Kelce
He wants to be Gronk so bad. SO BAD. Although Captain Falcon never starred in his own reality show , both of these characters live in the literal and metaphorical shadow of their proverbial older brothers. But are we even sure this is still the case? In the past two seasons, Travis Kelce has finished as the #1 overall tight end in fantasy and Captain Falcon has situated himself as one of the most underrated characters in the smash community.
Side Note: Should Smash Community be the new name for the Olympic Village??
Ness – Alex Smith
Everything Ness and Alex Smith do is within 5 feet of the line of scrimmage. Let’s assess. Ness’ little yoyo? A 3 yard out to Albert Wilson. His mini fire shot? A designed QB run where Smith tumbles forward for 5 yards. Sure Ness has a baseball bat but when he hits you it feels more like a foul ball than a home run. Your only hope is that Ness in within range to use his unbeatable grab to launch your opponent off the map, or in Alex Smith’s case, a screen pass that Tyreek Hill takes to the house.
Ice Climbers – Sammy Watkins
The female companion of the lead ice climber is obviously Sammy Watkin’s hamstring. Sure when both are healthy they’re a formidable opponent, and perhaps even a pro-bowler, but the second you tweak that hammy and lose your side piece, your life is as good as over.
Samus – Tom Brady
A system QB whose success stems primarily from his coach and offensive scheme? If Samus is Brady then her missile weapons are her “offensive scheme.” Samus relies on her ballistics, and is at her best when surrounded by a slew of other characters in combat, which allows her to sit back and pick people off with her impressive energy ball and pesky homing missile. Some may say she is too reliant on her long game, but those may need to spend a little more time utilizing her underrated combat abilities. Whether or not you subscribe to the “system QB” narrative, Samus and Brady will give you a fighter’s chance for the win no matter the situation.
Side Note: Seriously, did they design Samus’ run after Tom Brady’s scrambling form?
Zelda/Sheik – Aaron Rodgers
The top of their class. The most difficult to defeat when playing their best. The question when facing these two is not will you lose, but rather how. Zelda can float, teleport, and disorient to your demise, while Sheik can overwhelm you with a barrage of slashes and kicks at a speed hard to register with the naked eye. Zelda Rodgers can sit back in the pocket, call audibles and pick you apart like a surgeon, while Sheik Rodgers can scramble like Vick, flick the ball across his body down field like Favre, and can discount double check like….well….no one.
Link – Joe Flacco
Let’s talk resumes shall we?
Flacco: Rookie of the Year, Super Bowl champion, Super Bowl MVP, 6’6’’, big hands, strong arm.
Link: Sword, bow and arrow, bomb, boomerang, AND a shield.
What do both of these players have in common? They’re just not very good! On paper they look like hall of famers and match winners. Then you watch them perform and you mutter to yourself, “meh.”
Young Link – Andy Dalton
Can we all agree that Andy Dalton is just a slightly faster, slightly cuter version of Joe Flacco? His destiny is to fall ass first into a Super Bowl win and legitimize his legacy as Joe Flacco’s spiritual nephew. The difference between Link and Young Link are negligible outside of Young Link’s slight increase in agility, and slight decrease in strength. But I can CONFIRM he’s a cuter version of his older self.
Kirby– Ezekiel Elliott
Short and compact, these two wrecking balls rely on their bodies more than any other players or characters in the game. They can lower their shoulder and hit you like a brick, literally. Not to mention, on Kirby’s Wikipedia page he is described to have “a voracious appetite.” Just sayin’.
Pichu – Ted Ginn Jr.
People who play as Pichu are the same people who draft Ted Ginn Jr. on their fantasy teams let’s be honest. You can count on one of them screwing you over during a bad stretch of bye weeks with a deep ball right through the fingertips or a down-B move that LITERALLY HURTS ITSELF. However, what these players can do is save your game with an improbable 2 catches for 120 yards and two touchdowns (something Ginn did in 2015 in week 13) or a well timed side-A that sends your opponent into the next map.
Pikachu – Jordy Nelson
Jordy and Pikachu are the two most overlooked talents in their respective games. Each and every year, Jordy cranks out quality, pro bowl caliber seasons, yet he is never in the discussion for best receiver in the league. Pikachu has one of the most unique skillsets in the game, combining power, range, agility, and adorability yet no one mentions him when asked who are the game’s most talented characters.
Roy – Matthew Stafford (when he had Calvin Johnson)
The gunslinger! Who cares about an interception if you eventually connect on an 80-yard touchdown? Your best strategy with these two is to get down and dirty and let the ball fly, or in Roy’s case, side-A the shit out of anything you see until it works.
Marth – Carson Wentz
The mini gunslinger! Like their teachers Roy and Matt Stafford, these boys like to let the ball fly as well, but with just a little more ingenuity. While they may not have quite the arm/side-A strength as their gunslinging role models, their increased mobility will save you when the pocket collapses/when your best friend chooses Poke Floats as the map.
Jigglypuff – Cordarrelle Patterson
People have been buying stock in these two for years, but are they good? The only conceivable way to win with either of these players is to hide them the entire game and hope that eventually these one-trick ponies can take a punt return to the house or crack someone with a fueled up side-B.
Mewtwo – Cam Newton
Prelude: They kinda look alike if you don’t really think about it.
One reason behind this comparison is strictly their aesthetic, as both players are unequivocally the coolest looking on and off the field. However, their stylish moves don’t always translate to success on turf, as Mewtwo and Cam are some of the most volatile players in the game.
Mr. Game & Watch – Kirk Cousins
If Mr. Game & Watch had a catchphrase, it most certainly would be, “You like that!”