The Couple That Worked Really Hard On Their Dip and Homemade Potato Chips And Are Just Upset That No One Will Try Them.
Look, Kaytlyn and Derek worked really hard on this, guys. They went to Whole Foods two days ago, spent over $45 on dip materials alone and then cooked for four hours this morning. The least you can do is just try it, okay? This is the couple that will leave the living room three minutes into the second quarter, all because YOUR refusal to try their chips and dip has struck a nerve at their deep-seeded inability to “work as a team.”
Your best bet here is to just try the dip, tell Kaytlyn that you love it, and RSVP “yes” to the Facebook invite they already sent you for their 2019 Game of Thrones viewing party.
Your buddy’s friend from work who doesn’t really “like American football”
We get it, some people like soccer. Stop trying to get me to like it, and no I will not also call it football. This dude cannot and will not stop talking about how bad the U.S. Men’s Team is, and has told you three times now that he’s always been more of a Brazil guy anyway. Every missed field goal will be commented on with a “Messi would have made that,” and all timeouts will be followed with a comment on how “SLOW THIS GAME IS.” Tell Brett to go back to his liberal arts college’s club team and don’t give him the time of day.
Keg Guy
You love keg guy! Who doesn’t love keg guy?? Three weeks ago, he insisted on getting one for the party and has been looking forward to it ever since. And it’s not like him trying to get everyone plastered and doing keg stands by doing them himself definitely isn’t a cry for help… He just really loved college. So much so that every chance he gets to feel that sweet feeling of freedom again he “accidentally blacks out” and pees in the those new succulents you just got :/
The Fucking Patriots Fan
Ugh… This fan moved to your current city from Boston two years ago to follow her dream of utilizing her communications degree. She’s the friend of your friend and has not shut up for three quarters about how Brady is the GOAT and that this game was over before it began. But honestly, can you blame her? We all hate the fucking Patriots, but at the end of the day, cheaters or not, they have had one of the most historic decades in sports history. So let her enjoy, it’s only a matter of time before Brady and Belichick retire and that franchise goes to shit. Unless Brady is a cyborg and lives forever, which at this point is 22% plausible.
The Complainer
Have you ever wanted to have someone yell loud expletives every play? Have you been lacking a person to scream entirely too loud about nothing at all? If you answered “Yes,” then invite this terrible person to your party. “P.I.! WHAT! NO HOLDING??! OFFSIDES OFFSIDES!” This dude is absolutely convinced that the game is rigged and that these refs who have been doing this job for 30 years have “NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THEY ARE DOING.” Hopefully this fella gets too drunk off the Jager he brought (seriously dude?) and eventually passes out on his throne of perfect game analysis.
I Never Got Venmo Guy
Everybody chipped in for the keg and for that handle of organic vodka that Sarah brought from the store (we just wanted cheap vodka Sarah, what is your problem?). And then there’s this guy, sitting quietly in the corner hoping that no one calls him out, but of course they do. “Sorry guys, I don’t have any cash, I can get you next time.” Just Venmo us Clayton. OH THAT’S RIGHT, YOUR’E ONE OF FOUR PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 30 WHO DOESN’T HAVE IT. Clayton will go on for about five minutes saying that he doesn’t trust an app that links up to his bank account and swears the government is watching every transaction you make. Like a perfectly honed specimen he has developed this trait to avoid ever paying for anything. Just give up and watch the game, Clayton has won again.
The Gambler
Somehow betting online is legal now?? “Yes!” this person says, “I mean not technically but like it is, at least in Argentina, it’s totally chill I swear.” This person will try to get you to take action on every snap of the game. They themselves are currently betting the coin toss, the first score, Tom Brady’s underwear color all parlayed with the over at 44 ½. Do they shut down immediately right after losing the coin toss? You betcha. Do they fall deeper and deeper into a Miller Lite and potato chip depression hole as they lose bet after bet trying to crawl their way back? Yup, yes, yeah.
Half Time Activity Guy
Okay, this guy is actually sick. Cause let’s be real, ain’t no one trying to see Justin Timberlake this year. So follow Jake outside and go have a catch! Fuck it, get a couple friends out their and make it a game! Maybe even go so far as to run a 20-yard out and trip over the curb and land straight on your spine (I definitely didn’t do this last year after six IPAs. Definitely didn’t do this, definitely not me).
Hopefully You
If you didn’t find yourself above, then you’re in luck. You can be yourself. And it’s pretty damn easy to be a cool hang at your Super Bowl party this year. Bring snacks, some beer, take a bet or two, find a good seat that doesn’t block anyones view (unless it’s that Patriots fan) and enjoy the game.