This Can’t Be Good: Assassin’s Creed

Photo: © New Regency

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This might be the coldest take ever recorded on this website: They have not ever, and will not ever, make a good live-action video game movie.

Please @ me in the comments because you liked your Double Dragon VHS tape from when you were a kid or something like that, I dare you.

Assassin’s Creed is a wild success, if the film was part of a secret challenge to make two hours of unwatchable nonsense. That might seem like a harsh statement to you, but 80 minutes into the film I was so bored I literally paused it to send work emails. Not urgent ones either. Regular ones.

If that isn’t enough of a ringing endorsement, don’t worry. I have more!

I wanted to like the cast and acting here. I wanted it to be the saving grace of a terrible concept. Haha NOPE! Every line is delivered with a flat lack of emotion, and the dramatic music they use to make it seem charged doesn’t work at all.

Maybe the action scenes are good? Not even a little bit. They’re all intercut with Michael Fassbender swinging around on a metal arm like he’s on the world’s dumbest carnival ride, which accomplishes nothing except being distracting. Also, if you operate a secret prison that houses criminals trained in the way of ancient assassins, don’t arm your guards with swords. Give them guns, the much better thing that ancient assassins have never seen before. Done.

And finally the plot. Which, I mean, if you could call it a plot. If I interpreted it correctly, the Illuminati is hunting for a baseball that can destroy the world, which is protected by assassins because killing for money is good. Gotcha. The baseball contains the genetic code for free will, which is a green fog. This is how science works. And last but not least, the movie sets up for a sequel because we live in a franchise hellscape.

Please use your genetic code for free will to avoid watching this movie.

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